Look at this, Erestor! Isn't it beautiful? Morning in Valinor. Breathtaking… Don't you think? The beginning of the world. We are closer to Anor than anyone else. Isn't it… perfect? I still believe I can see Arien dance. Did you know that my parents thought I was ill when I kept saying that? An ill elf, imagine that! But I knew different!

Look! This is the only place where you can see Anor's fires burning. Oh, how I missed it. This is my only regret. Leaving this place was hard. Oh, what a fool I was.

I never talked about this, Erestor, and I am sorry. I will never stop regretting that. I was a kinslayer. I was not a child when Fëanor led us; I was of age, barely, but I was. I saved adar's life, but that does not justify the fact that my hand held the sword that cut through the flesh of my own. We lost naneth then, ada and I. A fair price, don't you think? Life of nana for the one I took.

My biggest regret. I spent a lifetime tying to make up for that. Yes, my biggest regret. I never told you much about that life. You never asked.

Oh, Gondolin. My biggest secret. When I looked into the eyes of that Balrog, I saw it. I saw me swaying a sword which ended in the chest of a silver elf. It never left me be. I did not find peace. When that beast grabbed me, I smiled. I thought I was finally free. I thought the sadness would finally end. And although that bitterness and guilt faded and never tortured me again, I did not feel truly alive until I woke up in your arms.

Naneth had not come back yet. Adar died when I was gone. My entire family fell with the towers of Gondolin. And for the first time I was alone. But not as alone as in my prior life.

I talked with Manwë last night. He was angry for the intrusion. He was angry with me all along. Yes, I learned a lesson - I should have listened to him. I should have left alone. I had no right to force you into my world. I had no right.

Do you know what he told me?

"Everything goes in circles. We are born to live and we die to be born again. You had no right to interfere with the course of life."

It is all the same, so it seems. I cannot change the past. No one can. What happened; happened. And why do I find no comfort in that?

He is dead, His Ring exists no more. And the world is the same. As though nothing happened. And I had to stand besides Arwen as her hand was placed in Aragorn's. And I had to walk peacefully behind Elrond as he stepped on the swan-ship. And I am here now; we are all here now, as though those millennia ceased to exist in our memories.

Oh, Erestor, what a beautiful morning. What a beautiful day this will be. Just as then. Asfaloth and Morwen slowly walking, not disturbing us. Anor was moving up the sky, everything was green and unspoilt. Do you remember how you said that the voyage was not so bad after all?

I found the tracks of the Nine soon. Oh, Erestor, you were good! Who would say all that being hidden in you? Remember how I joked that you never held a sword? Well, how could I have known that you were so deadly with the knives? If I had the slightest idea, I would have spent more nights fighting you than taking you.

Oh, you always laughed at that extravagance of mine! How I always found you struggling more desirable than surrendering; how I loved when you took control of everything, when you mastered my strength with your wisdom and agility.

Those were the days… In that year I found out more about you than I could have ever dreamed. Oh, Erestor, and it made me love you more and more. It made me want you, it made me need you, it made me even regret the idea of not wanting you with me. And everyday struggle was nothing when we were lying in each other's arms as the Nine decided to rest.

Oh, Erestor… Arien is dancing again, do you not see her? I knew I was right! Oh, I missed this place. I missed this… peace. I missed all of this, even more the second time. But you were worthy of it. You were the star that shone on my path. Thank you for that, edhelen vorn.

Oh, Erestor…

Why did I let you leave? Why was I so weak? Why did I have to live, when I agreed upon my death? Why did you fall in love with me? Did you not realize what an old fool I am? Yes, we are real proofs that with age elves get more stupid. Wisdom hides in you, my child, my love, my beloved soul; while I, who has more centuries than you have years, I am a fool. A fool in love.

I could never understand how you gained all that knowledge. I don't remember meeting someone with a thirst for books as strong as yours. And your complex words… I never felt better than when you wanted to describe me in words I could barely understand, in languages I did not even know existed. I wish I had done similar for you, but I simply do not know how.

Why did you ask me things that you knew I could not deny you? Did Valar not know that you might love me, too? No, probably not. Who would?

That scar still does not fade. I will never forget the night when you asked me to engrave your name upon my skin. Lucky for me, your name is not that long. You wanted me not to forget you when I died. Lucky for you, I did not. I remained.

Why did you save my life? Why did I let you? Why did I not fall on that blade? You could not imagine how clearly I felt that moment of my departure; how close I was to touching Námo's hand, meeting him again.

Oh, Námo. It would be fun again! Do not believe what others say about him; he might not have a heart, but that was replaced with an excellent sense of humour. He has to be like that, with that quirky wife of his. Oh, the Valar are far more interesting than we usually think!

Why do I bother you with these… frivolities? You will know it all soon by yourself. It is rather amusing to think of it all now - this is my third and last time and Valinor. It is so beautiful here…

I am sorry I was never able to describe you this paradise as it was in the beginning. This heaven of ours which you've never seen with your own eyes. I pity the elves who had not seen the most beautiful place on Arda. And I pity you for not seeing the trees; oh, that beauty… It was reborn in you. Yes, Erestor, it was born again in you - my most precious jewel.

Look, Ithil! Here he goes once again, chasing Anor. He is a stubborn creature. As are you, my love; as are you.

Oh, they are doing this on purpose! I know it! They want to punish me over and over again, as though I have not punished myself enough. As though I have not suffered enough.

As that night. As that final night! As the night in which I was supposed to lose my life. Do you remember it? Of course you do, my love, it was your biggest endeavour! You amaze me, my love. Remember the darkness of that day? Although both of our light givers were in the sky, the day was dark; the most foul night. The night in the day. I remember seeing your face; we could not find the time to talk much; your hair sweaty and filled with black blood, your face dusty and dark, as though you were not a scholar but a real warrior. As though you were so much more. And, yes you were, yes you ARE! You are my everything. I can still see your face, your beautiful face filled with dirt and blood, filled with sweat and grease, your eyes shining as though you were the most protected elf in Middle Earth. As though you missed nothing. And I can still see your smile - that small and short smile you gave me as our eyes met. The most beautiful smile… I wish you smiled more. A lot more.

It was so peaceful the evening before. Calm before the storm. The Nine were broken and we slept in the forest; lurking, always lurking. You were so sad then, I can still feel it. I know you pretended; I know that much of you, my love. I know that smile wasn't real. I know that spark wasn't in your eyes as it used to be. Your face was merry and your heart sad. That was a beautiful night.

We talked a lot, remember? As though we both knew I was supposed to die. We both did. Who would say that I remained? But I am happy for the words that were spoken nonetheless. Beautiful words… I never knew you could describe love in so many words. I just pity I don't have your knowledge to do the same. I pity that I had to show you my love for the pure fact of not knowing how to say it.

I was like that. That was me. That is me. You know that, Erestor. And I still do the same mistakes. I still love you silently. Although there is so much pain in me, in us, I still love you silently. I still love you.

The past… why does it haunt so much? Why does it haunt so strongly? Why cannot I simply let go of it and enjoy? Enjoy the morning in Valinor. This beautiful morning…

Ai, Erestor… Erestor, my love!

I almost broke one promise that I gave you, and I still regret that I did not. And I will break this one.

For I do not care! I cannot care anymore! My heart has been ripped out of me the moment you threw yourself on that blade and I cannot feel anymore! My fëa desires the numbness of death from the moment your brown eyes lost life! I want to tear my skin from my flesh with every moment I know, I feel you are nowhere near!

And I don't care that you asked it of me! I don't care! No matter how selfless and generous you may be; how bright and wonderful you are; I will be selfish for both of us!

And you will not, I repeat, you will not see this elf go on as though nothing happened.

And NO, Erestor, I don't care that your last words before your breath became cold were "Forgive me for leaving you unprotected, my love". And NO, Erestor, I don't care that you cried for me although your blood was spilt on the ground. And NO, I don't care that you thought I would be happier that way. And NO, I don't care that your fëa might scream of pain upon seeing me burn for that moment, but I cannot, and I WILL NOT LET YOU GO!

Sindarin translations:

Naneth - Mother

Nana - Mom

Adar - Father

Ada - Dad

Edhelen vorn - My dark elf