Title: When Egos Collide
Author: TICS
Rated: NC17
Genre: Humor, slash
Summary: It's the Fourth Age and everyone's sailed.well,
almost everyone. A few stragglers pass through Imladris on
their way to the Gray Havens.
A/N: Written for the August Challenge at the Lothlorien Lovers
Group. The challenge was to write a humorous ficlet pairing
Haldir with Glorfindel in Imladris, and to mention a platypus
somewhere in the story.


When Egos Collide


"Is this really necessary, Haldir?" Rumil asked as he shimmied
up a tall, thin pine on the eastern edge of the valley that marked
the borders of Imladris.

"Yes, it is necessary. Of course it is necessary! Do you want to
be seen?" Haldir retorted, testing a limb to see if it would hold
his weight. He though it satisfactory, and inched out,
precariously balancing himself on the slender branch.

"Seen by whom - the squirrels? They have already seen us,
Haldir, and they were not impressed," Orophin snorted as he
joined his brothers by climbing a nearby pine. "There is no one
else here to see us, Haldir, everyone has already sailed!"

"You do not know that for certain, Orophin. There may be one or
two stragglers left. We are still here, are we not?" Haldir
retorted, scanning the ground for signs of life other than deer
and the aforementioned squirrels.

"Even if there were stragglers, Imladris has always been an ally
to Lorien, this is just stupid," Rumil said, straddling the limb he
had chosen, sitting with one leg hanging off each side, swinging
lazily back and forth. "No one here would be our enemy!"

"How many centuries have you been a Guardian, Rumil? We do
not enter strange territories blindly. You know that," Haldir
hissed, frowning at his youngest brother.

"First, Haldir, I WAS a Guardian. There is no longer anything left
to guard, and so I hardly think the title holds water anymore.
Secondly, these scrawny trees do nothing to camouflage us.we
stick out like sore thumbs up here!"

"Admit it, Haldir.you just cannot adjust to the fact that Sauron
was defeated nearly an Age ago, the Orcs are gone, the Uruk Hai
are gone, almost all of our people have already sailed, and Men
are too busy procreating and bickering among themselves to pay
us any notice at all!" Orophin added, chuckling so hard that he
nearly unseated himself and fell out of the tree.

"Will you be silent! You may not think that we still have need to
have a care, but I do, and since I am your Captain."

"No more Guardians, no more Captains," Rumil corrected,
rolling his eyes behind Haldir's back.

"Fine! Then since I am your eldest brother, I am in charge and I
say we tread lightly!" Haldir growled, twisting his head and
catching Rumil in the act of making faces behind his back. "Eru
should let your face freeze that way, Rumil."

"But then I'd look like you, Haldir."

Haldir's face turned a ghastly shade of purple, and forgetting
about the reason that he had made them all climb trees to begin
with, launched himself into the air directly at Rumil. He reached
out and caught Orophin's sleeve as he flew by, dragging his
other brother along for the ride. Pouncing on the youngest, the
weight of the two older brothers on top of the youngest broke the
slender limb Rumil had chosen to sit on and the three elves
crashed, bounced, and yelped all the way down to the ground.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mmmph.mmmph.fmmph!"

"Shh.you must be silent, Erestor! Sound travels a long way in
the wood.straight to our enemies ears!" Glorfindel whispered,
frowning at the dark-haired Advisor who followed him as he
threaded his way through the pines. Glorfindel ducked behind a
thicket of bushes, peering out through the leaves, his brilliant
turquoise eyes scanning the forest for any sign of life.

Erestor stood behind Glorfindel, scowling at the former
balrog-slayer. Not that anyone could possibly tell that he was
scowling since he was covered head to foot in chain mail, at
Glorfindel's insistence. The reincarnated Slayer had even
shoved a helm over Erestor's head, and the Advisor was
currently doing two things he positively detested - sweating like a
pig and gasping for air like a beached fish. The combination
was making him slightly peevish. He wrenched the wretched
helm from his head, shaking out his sheathe of thick black hair
and taking a huge, noisy gulp of fresh, cool air.

"Erestor!" Glorfindel twisting around on his heels to glare at the
slender Elf behind him. "Get down here!" he growled, yanking on
Erestor's chain mail sleeve and forcing the overburdened Elf to
his knees with a loud clank.

"Fin.must you persist in this nonsense? There are no more
enemies! There have not BEEN any enemies for at least a half
dozen centuries! No one even comes to visit anymore." Erestor
moaned, trying to remove the chain mail shirt, but only
succeeding in getting it stuck around his head and jangling like
a pocket full of spare change.

"I heard something, Erestor! I may be ancient but I have not lost
my faculties!" Glorfindel argued, turning to peer once more
through the branches of the bushes. "It sounded like something
big.and noisy," he said. "Perhaps it is an Uruk Hai!"

"You probably heard a deer fart for all I know or care, Fin.what
you DIDN'T hear was an enemy because THERE AREN'T ANY!"
Erestor bellowed, his voice echoing through the wood.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Did you hear that? Did you hear that?" Haldir asked his brothers
as they pulled twigs and leaves from their hair, mouths and other
various bodily orifices, collected on their ungraceful descent from
the top of the tree. "I heard something!"

"The only thing I can hear is the sound of my blood leaking from
what are surely several dozen severe internal injuries, Haldir,"
Rumil grumbled, giving his eldest brother a push.

"I am about to hear something.the sound of my fist connecting
with your nose, Haldir!" Orophin put in, also giving Haldir an
angry shove.

"Shh! I heard something.I'd swear it!" Haldir repeated, shoving
both his brothers in return. "Come.it is this way!"

He led his still-grousing brothers through the wood, ducking
behind trees and rolling across open spaces. At least, Haldir
ducked behind trees and rolled across open spaces.Orophin
and Rumil simply walked behind him, snickering.

Suddenly he froze, then grabbed both of his brothers by the hair
and pulled them down to the ground behind a fallen log.

"Ow.Haldir! Have you lost what little mind Eru gave you?"
Orophin yelped, putting both hands to the top of his head. "You
pulled my hair out by the roots!"

"Ouch!" Rumil cried at the same time, also rubbing the crown of
his head. "Are you trying to snatch me baldheaded? No one
wants a bald elf, Haldir!

"Quiet! There.over by those bushes.do you see it? The sun is
glinting off something shiny.something metal!" Haldir
whispered, pointing over the log at the bushes in question.

"I.I.damn it, I DO see something!" Orophin answered, craning
his neck to see over the log behind which they were hiding.

"I don't see anything.you are both two bales shy of a harvest,"
Rumil complained, sniffing at his two older brothers. "There is
nothing there.oh, wait. As much as I hate to admit it, I DO see
something."

Cautiously, silently, the three elves drew arrows from their
quivers and rose to their full height behind the log, nocking their
arrows and aiming them at the shiny object in the bushes.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Look, Erestor! Something is moving by that log!" Glorfindel said
in a hoarse whisper, pointing at the large piece of deadfall
across the clearing from where they both knelt. He silently drew
an arrow from his quiver and nocked it, nodding at Erestor to rise
and follow him as he stepped out from behind the bushes.

Erestor tried to follow.he really did. Unfortunately, the weight of
the chain mail kept him glued to the forest floor as if he'd
sprouted roots. He was reduced to wriggling on his belly, trying
to drag himself forward by the elbows, inching along after the
Slayer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"HALT! WHO ENTERS THE BORDERS OF IMLADRIS?"
Glorfindel shouted, his voice reverberating through the wood,
just as Haldir bellowed.

"HALT! WHO SEEKS TO BAR OUR WAY
INTO IMLADRIS?"

"YOU ANSWER FIRST!" Glorfindel shouted, his fingers twitching
on the catgut of his bow.

"NO.YOU ANSWER FIRST!" Haldir roared, pulling his catgut a
bit farther back.

"Haldir.just TELL him who we are!" Rumil yelled, impatient with
his brother's arguing.

"Oh for Eru's sake! Rumil o Lorien, is that you?" Erestor called,
recognizing Rumil's voice. "Fin.it is only Rumil from Lothlorien!"

"It could be an impersonator, Erestor!"

"You can see him, Glorfindel.he is standing right in front of
you!"

"A CLEVER impersonator, then."

"FIN! Enough of this! Welcome to Imladris, Rumil o Lorien!"
Erestor called, grabbing hold of Glorfindel's hips and pulling
himself upright, nearly pulling Glorfindel's leggings off in the
process.

"Erestor? Is that you? You look.shiny." Rumil said,
recognizing Elrond's erstwhile Advisor, even through all the chain
metal. "Do you remember my brothers, Orophin and Haldir?"

"Of course I do.welcome, both of you. You remember
Glorfindel, do you not?" Erestor replied, clanking his way across
the clearing and meeting Rumil and Orophin halfway. "You are
looking well! Come, we have some very fine wine and food back
at the House.you must be starving!"

"Aye, and thirsty as well!" Rumil laughed. He and Orophin each
took one of Erestor's arms and began to walk in the direction of
the Last Homely House, leaving Haldir and Glorfindel behind,
still pointing arrows at one another.

"Erestor! Come back here!" Glorfindel shouted, not taking his
eyes off Haldir's figure.

"Orophin! Rumil! Return at once!" Haldir ordered, glaring at the
Slayer across the clearing from him.

They stared at each other for a few minutes in silence, neither
one putting down his bow.

"I do not think that they are coming back," Haldir commented.

"It does not seem that way," Glorfindel replied. "We might as
well join them."

"I agree. Put down your bow and we will be on our way."

"You put down your bow."

"You put yours down first!"

"Nay.you put YOURS down first!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"How long do you think they will be out there?" Rumil asked
Erestor as he helped himself to another wedge of cheese.

"How long can they both hold up their bows before their arms fall
off?" Orophin answered, earning a hearty laugh from Erestor as
the Advisor poured them all another glass of dark red wine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dusk fell, casting long shadows from the forms of the two
warriors who continued to stand facing one another, arrows
ready to fly, hours after the other elves had left them alone.

Beads of perspiration dotted their brows, their arms beginning to
tremble from holding their bows aloft for so long with the arrows
nocked and aimed at each other.

"It will be full dark soon," Glorfindel called to Haldir through the
gloom of twilight.

"Aye," Haldir agreed, his stomach growling loudly, much to his
annoyance.

"Sigh. Tonight is stew night.Erestor makes a lovely stew. Full
of big chunks of vegetables, and he serves it with warm bread."
Glorfindel mentioned, his own stomach protesting the fact that
he'd missed lunch.

"I like stew. I have not had a good bowl of stew since we left
Lorien." Haldir commented, shifting his weight slightly from
one foot to the other.

"Suppose we count to three, then put our bows down together at
the same time?" Glorfindel suggested. Normally, the Slayer
would have rather cut off his own arm than appear conciliatory,
but not only was he hungry, he had also developed a powerful
need to pee. As talented a warrior as he was, he still needed
one free hand in order to take care of that particular problem.

"We could do that.wait! Is it 'one, two, three' and THEN we lower
our weapons, or is it 'one, two,' and lower our weapons on
'three?" Haldir asked, shifting his weight back and forth from one
foot to the other. He had developed the same problem as
Glorfindel and was desperately trying not to wet his leggings.

Glorfindel slammed his knees together as the urge grew even
stronger and threatened to escape his control. "We go AFTER
three!"

"Fine!"

"ONE."

"TWO."

"THREE!"

Bows went flying and arrows were dropped to the ground as
both Elves attacked the lacings of their leggings, their contented
sighs mirroring one another as they relieved themselves.

"Ahh.much better," Glorfindel sighed, giving himself his
customary two and a half shakes before tucking himself back
inside of his leggings.

"Aye.I should not have drank that extra canteen of water this
afternoon," Haldir agreed, giving himself his usual two and
three-quarter shakes before securing himself and re-lacing his
leggings.

"Are your brothers always so stubborn?" Glorfindel asked Haldir
as he picked up and replaced his arrow in his quiver.

"Aye.is Erestor?" Haldir countered, retrieving his arrow from the
ground and replacing it. He walked over to where the Slayer
stood waiting.

Glorfindel threw his head back and laughed, the silver moonlight
glinting off his long golden hair. "Aye, he is.all the time."

Haldir watched the flaxen haired slayer with an appreciative eye.
He was still ravenous, but now that his pressing need to pee
had been assuaged, he remembered that besides stew there
was something ELSE he hadn't had since he'd left Lorien. He
also hadn't missed the size of Glorfindel's member, stiffened
with the Slayer's own need to urinate. It was huge, thick, and
Haldir was suddenly very interested in what a twice-born Elf
had learned to do with it over the millennia.

Glorfindel eyed Haldir, watching the handsome Galadhrim's gray
eyes slip down to Glorfindel's bulging crotch. He smiled to
himself, knowing exactly what was going through the Tree Elf's
mind from the look on Haldir's face. He took that opportunity to
reach between his legs and adjust himself, noticing that Haldir
unconsciously licked his lips as he did so.

"It has been a long march for you, Captain." Glorfindel said
softly, his eyes darkening a bit as his organ rose in his leggings.
"A long.long march."

"Aye, that it was.long and thick.er.tiring. Long and tiring,"
Haldir replied, quickly shifting his eyes up to meet the Slayer's.
He noticed the flicker of lust dancing in Glorfindel's eyes as they
met his own, and a small smile appeared on Haldir's full lips.

"You were correct the first time, my friend," Glorfindel whispered,
stepping closer to the Galadhrim. His own lips curled into a
smile that could very well have been misinterpreted as a sneer,
before he suddenly lunged at Haldir, grabbing the former
Captain around the neck and slamming his mouth against
Haldir's.

Not one to ever be accused of submissiveness, Haldir reacted
immediately, throwing his weight forward and grabbing
Glorfindel by the front of the jerkin, pushing him backward to the
ground. When Glorfindel's back hit the dirt and he gasped as the
air was knocked out of him, Haldir took full advantage, shoving
his tongue into the Slayer's mouth.

No sooner had Glorfindel come to his senses, that he shifted his
weight, throwing Haldir to the side, and himself on top of the
Galadhrim warrior, never once breaking the kiss.

Hands grappled with hooks and eyes, material ripped, lacings
were pulled, boots kicked off, all the while the elves rolled about
the forest floor. At one moment Glorfindel would be on top, only
to find himself pinned to the ground under Haldir's considerable
weight the next.

Finally the last shred of clothing had somehow been removed as
the two elves continued to thrash about over the dirt, crunching
the dead leaves and prickly pine needles that littered the ground.

Two hard, pulsing organs fought for dominance along with their
owners, grinding against one another in a heated battle.
Groaning, into each other's mouths, the two elves finally paused
in their rolling, coming to rest side by side on the ground.
Reaching between their sculpted abdomens, each took hold of
the other's weeping elfhood, stoking each other at the same
pace.

The only things left in battle were their tongues, which never
ceased in their quest for dominance over the other, lapping and
rolling over and under one another, even as the elves' hands
brought them to the edge and beyond.

Great spurts of silken white erupted between them, and although
Haldir would vehemently disagree, Glorfindel would later claim
that he had held out a fraction of a second longer than the
Galadhrim.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Haldir and Glorfindel dragged themselves into the Last Homely
House, looking bedraggled and weary, bits of leaves and pine
needles stuck in their hair, their clothing torn and muddied.

"For Eru's sake.look at the two of you! Please tell me that you
did not fight each other!" Erestor scolded, folding his arms
across his chest and glaring at the two latecomers.

"Of course they did. Look at them.they are no better behaved
than elflings!" Orophin agreed, staring hard at his older brother.

"Hmph! I cannot believe that you two fought each other.while
we sat here and ate a wonderful meal!" Rumil said. "What was
that meat again, Erestor?"

"Platypus.a rare and expensive delicacy.very hard to come by.
But," he continued, eyeing the dirt-encrusted warriors, "it's all
gone now. You two will have to content yourselves with bread
and cheese."

"Too bad you missed it. It was delicious, too," Rumil teased, "rich
and creamy.and the bread! It was huge.long.thick.you've
never had anything like it!"

He couldn't understand for the life of him why Glorfindel and
Haldir suddenly burst into laughter, throwing their arms about
one another and making their way into the kitchen to scrounge
up something to eat.

The End.