Title: To daydream

Author: tineryn

Contact: tineryn@yahoo.com

Summary: Erestor imagines things.

Genre: Romance

I imagine things.

I have never told anybody that, because they would think I was crazy. But I do. I finish situations in my head before they happen, or I imagine things happening that really never do. Sometimes I finish arguments in my head after they are done, when I think of something better I should have said, or a point to back up my opinion that I did not think of earlier. Sometimes, if I like what happened in my head, I imagine it over and over again, squeezing every last bit of feeling and emotion out of it until it is dry.

Sometimes I think of things I want to happen and hope that if I fall asleep thinking about it, I will dream about it. Dreaming is almost as good as something really happening, because when you dream everything feels real. It is not like imagining things in a council meeting, where my mind scrabbles for purchase against the slippery idea. I can actually feel dreams; I don't only wish I could.

It was like three nights ago. Glorfindel's second had come in to deliver me a report. I don't know why Glorfindel did not just deliver it himself. I suppose he had better things to do, but it got me thinking that what if Glorfindel did not come because he was too nervous to see me. What if each time before he came into my office, looking radiant and perfect like he always does, he stood in front of his big mirror and tugged at his white, blue trimmed tunic and turned all around to see himself at different angles. What if he put oil especially into his hair and licked his lips to make them look plump and pink like they always do.

Maybe he was too nervous to come to my office, so he sent his second in command. Glorfindel, meanwhile, sat in his rooms still trying to look nice enough and wishing he had the courage to come and see me, which he never actually did.

I was thinking about all of this when I came to my room three nights ago. That was what had happened. And then when I got to my rooms and finished getting ready for bed, I heard a soft knocking at the door, urgent and hesitant at the same time. I went over to the door confused, and opened it to see a flushed, rumpled, beautiful Glorfindel standing there.

"I should have come to your office earlier today," he said. "I should have, because I should have had the courage to face you myself, and damn it all, because I love you I love you I love you." Then, even though I did not say anything, he grabbed me and kissed me passionately and breathlessly and forever.

None of that ever happened, of course. I only daydreamed about it instead of doing my work. The only part that actually happened was when Glorfindel's second came to my office. But my daydream was silly, because Glorfindel never delivers the report. His second always comes. So you see, I am exceedingly foolish in my mind. I only do a good job at hiding it, so the rest of Imladris thinks I am stern, responsible, and cool.

Nobody knows that I am really frantic, passionate, and furious, or else how desperately unorganized I am. My desk is all neat piles and clean surfaces, but I never know what is in which pile, or where I put something else to make room on said clean surface. Sometimes I wonder what Glorfindel's desk looks like. I bet it is perfect, like he is. Sometimes I imagine that he thinks my disorganization is positively adorable.

Maybe someday he will see it and laugh, and smile dotingly at me, and we will reorganize it together, and then only he will know my secret, why I am so harried all of the time. Only he will know how frantic I am, and that I work so late every night because I can never find anything. And he will not tell anybody. He will only grin secretly that nobody else knows the truth about his lover. And that is what I would be. His lover.

But as you well know, I am not his lover, and he does not know my secrets. He probably does not even have any interest in my secrets. Nobody does.

Once I was watching him in a council meeting while he was giving a report, and I imagined that he could barely keep his mind on his report, because he was thinking about me the whole time. Then I got to wondering what he really thinks of me. What if he thought bad things about me? What if he mused privately how heartless I am, like everybody thinks, or how undesirable, how miserable I look all of the time. What if he did know my secret, and he scorned me for it? He thought I was a poor excuse for a counselor, because I cannot even keep my desk in order, and who cannot keep their desk in order, after all? Maybe he sent his second in command because he could not stand to be alone in my presence?

My throat felt like choking and my eyes burned. The meeting was excessively long after that, and I could not look Glorfindel in the eye or else I would turn red or well up with tears.

I really am silly sometimes. I am like a maiden. It is embarrassing.

Of course, I doubt Glorfindel really thinks that about me. To tell you the truth, I doubt he thinks anything of me. He probably usually forgets I exist.

I imagine about when he realizes that I exist, or maybe that he has always known. I imagine that he cannot stand it anymore, so he runs into my office and swings me around in his arms, and says things like, "I should have come to you years ago, because damn it all I love you I love you I love you." And then he would kiss me deeply and passionately, and I would wrap my legs around him and we would make love and bind then and there, because we both love each other too much to wait.

But that will never happen. It is all right, because I know that it will not. He probably has some awesome, majestic warrior lover anyway, more magnificent than I could ever match, and they probably love one another deeply and truly, and plan to bind in the spring. And then all of Imladris will cheer it, because they are both so perfect that they belong together. That is why Glorfindel and I probably will never be.

But that is fine. I already knew it could not happen. That is why, instead of actually being with him, I imagine things.

The End