Title: Galadriel's Restaurant
Author: Vesta
Rating: Mild PG-13
Starring: Legolas, Galadriel, Celeborn, Haldir, Glorfindel, Erestor
and Elrond
Genre: Humor and Goofiness
Disclaimer: Not mine, never was, never will be. Song `Alice's
Restaurant is by Arlo Guthrie.
Summary: Disclaimer should be enough.
Warnings: Disclaimer should be enough. LOL.
Dedication: This is to everyone over at the EKT site. Particularly
Nedluva.
A/N: Thanks to my wonderful hubby for help with this plot idea.
Beta: My loving, wonderful Mike.

As told by Legolas....


------- ----------
This song is called "Galadriel's Restaurant." It's about Galadriel
and the restaurant, but Galadriel's Restaurant is not the name of the
restaurant; that's just the name of the song, and that's why I call
the song "Galadriel's Restaurant."

You can get anything you want at Galadriel's Restaurant. You can get
anything you want at Galadriel's Restaurant. Walk right in, it's
around the back, just two week's ride from the Rivendell pack; you
can get anything you want at Galadriel's Restaurant.

Now it all started two years ago--two years ago, on the Autumn
Equinox, when my friend and I went up to visit Galadriel at the
restaurant.

But Galadriel doesn't live IN the restaurant, she lives in the Talan
nearby the restaurant, in the Mallorn tree with her husband
Celeborn and Saelbeth, the dog.

And livin' in the Mallorn tree like that, they got a lot of room
downstairs where the council chambers used to be, and havin' all
that room (seein' as how they took out all the council benches),
they decided that they didn't have to take out their garbage for a
long time.

We got up there and found all the garbage in there and we decided
that it'd be a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump.

So we took the half-a-ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red
Valar Wagon (VW) Micro carriage, took shovels and rakes and
implements of destruction, and headed on toward the city dump.

Well, we got there, there was a big sign and a hithlain rope across
the dump sayin', "THIS DUMP IS CLOSED ON THE AUTUMN EQUINOX," and
we'd never heard of a dump closed on the Autumn Equinox before, and
with tears in our eyes, we rode off into the sunset lookin' for
another place to put the garbage.

We didn't find one till we came to a side road, and off the side of
the road was another fifteen-foot cliff, and at the bottom of the cliff was
another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile was better than
two little piles, and rather than bring that one up, we decided to throw ours
down. That's what we did.

Rode back to the Talan, had a Autumn Equinox dinner that couldn't be
beat, went to sleep, and didn't get up until the next morning, when a
messenger arrived from Captain Haldir of the March Wardens. He
said, "Legolas, we found your name on a parchment at the bottom of a
half ton of garbage and I just wanted to know if you had any
information about it."

And I said, "Yes sir, Captain Haldir, I cannot tell a lie. I put
that parchment under that garbage." After speakin' to Haldir for
about forty-five minutes, we finally arrived at the truth of the
matter and he said that we had to go down and pick up the garbage,
and also had to go down and speak to him at the Captain of the Galadhrim
Station. So we got in the red VW micro carriage with the shovels and rakes
and implements of destruction and headed on toward the Captain of the Galadhrim
Station.

Now, friends, there was only one of two things that Haldir could've
done as the Captain of the Galadhrim Station, and the first was that
he could've give us a medal for bein' so brave and honest in the
parchment sent to us by the messenger (which wasn't very likely, and
we didn't expect it).

And the other thing was that he could've bawled us out and told us
never to be seen ridin' garbage around in the vicinity again, which
is what we expected.

But when we got to the Captain of the Galadhrim Station, there was a
THIRD possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was both
immediately arrested, tied up, and I said, "Haldir, I can't pick up
the garbage with this here hithlain rope on."

He said: "Shut up, Legolas, and get on the back of my patrol horse."
And that's what we did--sat on the back of the patrol horse, and
rode to the quote SCENE OF THE CRIME unquote.

I wanna tell you 'bout the town of Lothlorien, Calas Galadhon, where
this is happenin'. They got three roads, a dozen Galadhrim, and one
patrol horse, but when we got to the scene of the crime, there was
TWO DOZEN Galadhrim and THREE patrol horses, bein' the biggest crime
of the last fifteen hundred years and everybody wanted to get in the
story about it.

And they was usin' up all kinds of Galadhrim equipment that they had
hangin' around the Captain of the Galadhrim Station. They was takin' mud
carriage tracks, footprints, dog-smellin' prints, and they sketched
twenty-seven 8 by 10 colored glossy illuminations with circles and
arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explainin' what each
one was, to be used as evidence against us. Drew pictures of the
approach, the getaway, the northwest corner, the southwest corner--
and that's not to mention the aerial illuminations from the Mallorn
tree!

After the ordeal, we went back to the Captain of the Galadhrim
Station. Haldir said he was gonna put us in a cell. He
said, "Legolas--I'm gonna put you in a cell. I want your pouch and
your belt."

I said, "Haldir, I can understand your wantin' my pouch, so I don't
have any gold to spend in the cell, but what do you want my belt for?" And he
said,"Legolas, we don't want any hangin's."

I said, "Haldir, did you think I was gonna hang myself for
litterin'?" Haldir said he was makin' sure, and, friends, Haldir
was, 'cause he took out the slop bucket seat so I couldn't hit
myself over the head and drown. And he took out the wiping paper so
I couldn't bend the bars, roll the wiping paper out the window,
slide down the roll and have an escape. Haldir was makin' sure.

It was about four or five hours later that Galadriel--(remember
Galadriel? There's a song about Galadriel) Galadriel came by and,
with a few nasty words to Haldir on the side, bailed us out of the
Captain of the Galadhrim Station, and we went back to the Talan, had
another Autumn Equinox dinner that couldn't be beat.

And didn't get up until the next mornin' when we all had to go to
court. We walked in, sat down, Haldir came in with the twenty-seven 8 x 10
colored glossy illuminations with the circles and arrows and a
paragraph on the back of each one, sat down.

An elf came in, said "All rise!" We all stood up, and Haldir stood
up with the twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored glossy illuminations, and the judge
walked in, sat down, with a seein' eye dog and HE sat down. We sat down.

Haldir looked at the seein' eye dog--then at the twenty-seven 8 x
10 colored glossy illuminations with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on
the back of each one and began to cry.

Because Haldir came to the realization that it was a typical case of
Elven blind justice, and there wasn't nothin' he could do about it, and
the judge wasn't gonna look at the twenty-even 8 x 10 colored glossy
illuminations with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the
back of each one explaining what each one was, to be used as evidence against us.

And we was fined fifty gold pieces and had to pick up the garbage--
in the snow. But that's not what I'm here to tell you about. I'm
here to talk about the draft.

They got a buildin' down in Rivendell called the Last Homely House,
where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected
and selected!

I went down and got my physical examination one day, and I walked
in, sat down (got good and drunk the night before, so I looked and felt my
best when I went in the mornin', 'cause I wanted to look like the All-Elven
kid from Mirkwood).

I wanted to BE the All-Elven Kid from Mirkwood and I walked in, sat
down. I was hung down, brung down, hung up and all kinds of mean, nasty,
ugly things.

And I walked in, I sat down, they gave me a piece of paper that
said: Legolas, see Healer Elrond, Room 604.

I went up there, I said, "Healer Elrond, I wanna kill. I wanna kill!
I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth! Eat dead,
burnt bodies! Imean: Kill, Kill!"

And I started jumpin' up and down, yellin', "KILL! KILL!" and he
started jumpin' up and down with me, and we was both jumpin' up and down
yellin',"KILL, KILL!"

And Senchesnal Glorfindel came over, pinned a medal on me, sent me
down the hall, said, "You're our boy!" Didn't feel too good about it.

Proceeded on down the hall, gettin' more injections, inspections,
detections, neglections, and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me at the
thing there, and I was there for two hours--three hours--four hours--

I was there for a long time goin' through all kinds of mean, nasty,
ugly things, and I was just havin' a tough time there, and they was
inspectin',injectin' every single part of me, and they was leavin' no part
untouched!

Proceeded through, and I finally came to see the very last elf. I
walked in, sat down, after a whole big thing there. I walked up, and I
said, "What do you want?" Erestor said, "Legolas, we only got one question:
Have you ever been arrested?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Galadriel's Restaurant
Massacre with full orchestration and five-part harmony and stuff
like that, and other phenomenon.

Erestor stopped me right there and said, "Legolas, have you ever
been to court?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty-seven 8 x 10
coloredlossy illuminations with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on
the back of each one--

Erestor stopped me right there and said, "Legolas I want you to go
over and sit down on that bench that says 'Group W' now, Legolas!"

And I walked over to the bench there, and there's--Group W is where
they putou if you may not be MORAL enough to join the guard after
committin' your special crime.

There was all kinds of mean, nasty and ugly-lookin' people on the
bench there--there was mother rapers--father-stabbers, father-rapers! FATHER-
RAPERS sittin' right there on the bench next to me!

And they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible and crime fightin'
guys were sittin' there on the bench, and the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one--
the meanest father-raper of them all--was comin' over to me.

And he was mean and nasty and horrible and all kinds of things, and
he sat down next to me. He said, "Kid, what'd you get?"

I said, "I didn't get nothin'. I had to pay gold and pick up the
garbage." He said, "What were you arrested FOR, kid?" and I said,
"Litterin'."

And they all moved away from me on the bench there, with the hairy
eyeball and all kinds of mean, nasty things, till I said, "And creatin' a
nuisance."

And they all came back, shook my hand and we had a great time on the
bench talkin' about crime, mother-stabbin', father-rapin', --all kinds of
groovy things that we was talkin' about on the bench, and everything was
fine.

We was smokin' ole toby and all kinds of things, until Erestor came
over, had some parchment in his hand, held it up and said:

"LEGOLASTHISPIECEOFPARCHMENTSGOTFORTYSEVENWORDSTHIRTYSEVENSENTENCESFIFTY
EIGHTWORDSWEWANTTOKNOWTHEDETAILSOFTHECRIMETHETIMEOFTHECRIMEANDANYOTHERKIND
OFTHINGYOUGOTOSAYPERTAININGTOANDABOUTTHECRIMEWEWANTTOKNOWTHEARRESTING
GALADHRIMSNAMEANDANYOTHERTHINGYOUGOTTOSAY--"

And he talked for forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word
that he said. But we had fun fillin' out the forms and playin' with
the quill's on the bench there. I filled out the Massacre with the four-part harmony.

Wrote it down there just like it was and everything was fine. And I
put downy quill, and I turned over the piece of parchment, and there--on
the other side --in the middle of the other side--

Away from everything else on the other side--in parentheses-capital
letters--quoted--read the following words: "Legolas, have you rehabilitated
yourself?"

I went over to Erestor. I said, "Erestor, you got a lot of Valar-
damned gall to ask me if I've rehabilitated myself! I mean--I mean-- that
you send--I'm sittin' here on the bench--

I mean I'm sittin' here on the Group W bench, 'cause you want to
know if I'm moral enough to join the guard, burn women, kids, houses and
villages after bein' a litterbug."

He looked at me and said, "Legolas, we don't like your kind! We're
gonna send your fingerprints off to Mirkwood." And, friends,
somewhere in Mirkwood, enshrined in some folder, is a study in black and white of my
fingerprints.

And the only reason I'm singin' you the song now is 'cause you may
know somebody in a similar situation. Or YOU may be in a similar
situation, and if you're in a situation like that, there's only one thing you can
do:

Walk into the Healer wherever you are, just walk in, say, "Healer--

You can get anything you want at Galadriel's Restaurant."

--and walk out. You know, if one person, just one person does it,
they may think he's really sick and they won't take him.

And if two people do it--in harmony--they may thing they're both GAY
and they won't take either of them. And if THREE people do it! Can you
imagine three people walkin' in, singin' a bar of "Galadriel's Restaurant"
and walkin' out? They might think it's an ORGANIZATION!

And can you imagine FIFTY people a day? I said FIFTY people a day--
walkin' in singin' a bar of "Galadriel's Restaurant" and walkin' out? Friends,
they may think it's a MOVEMENT, and that's what it is:

THE GALADRIEL'S RESTAURANT ANTI-MASSACRE MOVEMENT!--

and all you gotta do to join is to sing it the next time it comes
around on the lyre. With feelin':

You can get anything you want at Galadriel's Restaurant, exceptin'
Galadriel,
You can get anything you want at Galadriel's Restaurant; Walk right
in, it's around the back, just a two weeks ride from the Rivendell
pack; You can get anything you want at Galadriel's Restaurant.

End